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Hood’s Winks – I can’t do nothin’ right!

By Ralph Hood

These truths are self evident:

The longer you wait to do something, the longer it takes to do it!

Everything goes wrong when you’re in a hurry!

As Lewis Carroll said in Alice in Wonderland, “the hurrier I go, the behinder I get!”

It took me forever to learn these things, although I proved them over and over for decades.

For example. Gail and I need to leave the house at 9:40 a.m. to make it to Sunday School. As I get up from breakfast at 8 a.m., it’s obvious that I have plenty of time to check the computer, then get dressed way before 9:40 a.m.

Gail always says no, get dressed first, then play with the computer. I never listen, but Gail is dead-on right!

We have more info available today than ever before—but getting to it is confusing. Ads are everywhere. It is possible to block ads on your computer, but then you keep getting these “Turn off your ad blocker” requests. I leave ad blocker on anyway.

If I ever win the lottery—not likely, since I seldom buy a ticket—I’m gonna beat this computer to smithereens with an axe while I giggle gleefully.

TV ads during the Olympics drove me insane. One athlete fell and was obviously hurt. The TV switched to an ad and I never, ever found out if the athlete was ok or horribly torn up.

I have a car that does things I don’t understand and won’t do things I do understand. I’m gonna beat it to pieces, too, after I win that lottery. I swear, I have to pull off of the road and come to a full stop just to change from one station to another!

If it wasn’t for Gail, I’d never get anything done at all. She understands all these accursed modern devices.

I’m not about to get a smartphone. I still own a flip phone and the last thing I want is one more thing that’s smarter than I.

We recently bought—had to buy—a new kitchen stove. I’m scared to death of the thing.

If I do win that lottery, I don’t plan to own things anymore. I will never drive again. I’ll call Uber, Lyft, or a limousine service to come get me. I will stay in hotels or rent houses wherever I go. I will not buy an airplane, but will charter airplanes when I want to travel. I will never ride an airline again.

Oh, I am looking forward to all that. Maybe I’ll actually buy a lottery ticket!

Uh, come to think of it, all that’s gonna cost a lot of money—maybe I better buy one of those special Power Ball lottery tickets.