By Keith Whitson
I love some good double entendre or better known as puns. The English language is pretty twisted as it is and one of the more difficult languages to learn for foreigners. I recently came across some puns and other humorous thoughts that I hope you enjoy as much as I did.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I need to stop drinking so much milk. It’s an udder disgrace.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had a type A blood, but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
Engergizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Broken pencils are pointless.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said “Keep off the grass.”
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I would get a reaction.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
I’m glad I know sign language. It’s pretty handy.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no bell prize.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pasta way.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Homeless.
And, I put the “fun” in dysfunctional.
I hope you got a laugh out of these and found them “punny.”