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From the Publisher's Desk – Luckily, I don't have everything (Dec. 10, 2014 issue)

“I don’t know what it is, but it looks cool.” Christmas is different than it used to be. We still celebrate it for the same meaning as always but Santa’s requests are no where near the list that I made as a child. Santa needs more than elves. He needs assembly lines, engineers and good relations with UPS.
When I was young, I must admit, I asked for several things that had a “wow” factor on the box packaging, but I had no clue what the full scope of their usefulness was. As an adult, I am having the same issue because the items are over my head as far as understanding.
I feel blessed to have reached a point in life where gifts aren’t important for determining whether my Christmas is a success or not. It is more about the true meaning in celebrating the birth of Christ. It is also about church events and gatherings with friends and family. In fact, I have a difficult time suggesting items to others that I think I would like.
I recently turned to Google for ideas. The web browser suggested an “Esquire” page link where I found the “11 gifts for the man who has everything.”
First off, I don’t have everything, but if it takes what is on this list to complete me, then I will stay unfulfilled.
The first suggestion was dinner in an architectural masterpiece. This includes dinner in some place called the “Phillip Johnson Glass House.” The starting price on is $25,000. I’ll take a window seat please. Oh wait, I guess it doesn’t matter. I hate to shatter your hopes Phillip, but I won’t be attending. I hope I haven’t been a “pane.”
Item two is a pair of hand-painted pearl cufflinks for the low price of $16,238. I lose buttons off of clothes all of the time. These wouldn’t last one evening with me. I will just continue to be the missing link.
Next, I can have a 200-year old bottle of Cognac. The price on this is so scary that shoppers are not given the price unless requested. I assume it is best to be seated and somewhat intoxicated before inquiring. Don’t spill a drop. Excuse me while I lick the table.
Another item requiring research is the Kindle Voyage. There are so many options for the tablet that prices vary. I wish I had time to read. Unfortunately I am too busy living reality and hoping for a “happy ever after. The end.
For $1,369 I could have my own remote control drone helicopter. I imagine this is for spying over fences, in windows and playing secret agent. I had a remote control car as a child. It was too much mind and hand coordination for me. I over compensated my turns. It was a dreadful crash. Let’s just say if it had been a real car, with me driving, I would still be serving a jail sentence.
Another item for the “man with everything” is a shark-proof suit. Again, you must call for the price. Why would I even be caught dead (oops) in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks? If I managed to survive the shark bite, a heart attack would finish the job of taking me out.
How about Joe Montana’s Private Quarterback Camp for $7,170? Sorry Joe, my goal is to not break any bones at this age. I believe I will pass. Your attempt is incomplete. Please don’t take offense.
I could request a Homer Simpson sketch for $999. It is even signed by creator Matt Groening. According to CelebrityNetWorth.com, he is estimated to be worth $500 million. Sounds like doodling in school may be a little more profitable than that engineering degree.
Next, is the option for cloning your pet. The advertisement says “Because you can, and you’ll miss that dog when she’s gone.” The price is available upon request. The concept is a bit scary to me. Will the new dog look like the original one? Will it already know its name and commands and all of the other trained information processed so far.
I am more interested in cloning myself, if that is an option. I have entirely too much work for one person and too many events to go to. I need another me to get the job done. One of me is going back home and get some sleep.
Maybe I should consider a “rare watch” for only $113,484. This could certainly help me to be on time for all of my meetings and functions. On second thought, give me the money for the watch and I will just pay everything off and retire with money left over.
Finally, on the list, is a personal submarine. We aren’t just talking about the sandwich here. The photo shows room for three in this glass bubble, under water, machine. If this idea floats your boat or sinks your sub, you must also call for the price.
Maybe that is the source for my happiness. After all, the Beetles sang about a “Yellow Submarine.” Sing along “As we live a life of ease, everyone of us has all we need – sky of blue and sea of green, in our yellow submarine.”
My ancestors were satisfied with candy and oranges and a doll that cried. Well, it originally cried until my uncle ripped that mechanism out of it. The only thing crying then was his sister. Obviously he had potential to become a surgeon. I am sure that must have been the motive behind his harsh decision to operate.